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Donald Trump: The Magic 8 Ball

“He’s loud, he’s proud, and he creates jobs!” The man, the myth, the reason why I might start drinking.

As I think back to the 2008 election, one moment in particular stands out; the moment in which I felt the most heartbroken and disappointed in the direction our country was heading. Before the results were ever tallied I listened to the exit poll interviews, and I remember hearing the crowds chant over the charismatic nature of the Democrat candidate, Barack Obama. I heard nary a word on what he planned to do to our country; the bowl of blithering nonsense before me was just a culmination of free phones, free contraceptives, charisma, and the color of his skin. I remember thinking, “This man is going to win, and no one knows what he stands for, they just know that he’s a celebrity and the right color. At least I know that I’m on the right side of history, the side that cares enough about issues to truly study our candidates.”

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Sold Out To Fear

What happens when a society chooses to force a narrative upon its youngest members? Parents must choose to either reject the importance of their beliefs, or remove their child from yet another piece of social involvement. Earlier this evening, The Boy Scouts of America unanimously voted to lift their ban on homosexual leaders. This resolution permits individual charters to choose leaders without regard to sexual orientation.

The Boy Scouts of America, a long held Christian organization, is facing backlash from parents who are facing quite a choice. I didn’t have the words, but I know of someone who did. With their permission, I’ve added their open letter to The Boy Scouts of America to this blog, and I hope that those on both sides of the debate can read it with an open mind.

“To whom,

I decided, when I found out that PP took a huge chunk of money from the Girl Scouts, that I could not contribute to any effort that promoted the ending of innocent life in the name of another’s ‘rights’. Since my girls would be required to participate in these ‘fund raisers,’ I would not be sending them to join this ambiguously harmless organization. That is not to detract from the hard work and good intentions of my friends who are leaders. It’s just something I can’t add to.

And so…

It is with a heavy heart that we regretfully inform you that our sons will no longer be members of The Boy Scouts of America. And, yes, this decision is based solely on your decision to alter your position on the admission of Gays and/or Lesbians as leaders in the organization.

I cannot help if I am misunderstood in this action. My intentions are not motivated by homophobia, bigotry, bias, or fear. They are based only on my ideals of what a leader should look like from an integrity and ostensibly Christian organization point of view.

It has oft been suggested, yea verily, spitted out vitriolically, that a position in opposition of homosexuality is nothing more than homophobia. Most also suggest that we Christians are hopelessly hypocritical in that our numbers engage in adultery, fornication, porn addiction, theft, crime, and any such other malfeasance, and that we don’t have such a drastic and outspoken view on those things. If, they contend, homosexuality is wrong then we must give an equal voice to these other ‘sins’ or else admit we are hypocrites and secede the argument. On a base level, if this were true, if I mentioned my disgust at gossip but never mentioned my disgust at pride, well then I’m a hypocrite and must shut up. Also, all of these sins among others are rebuked on a weekly basis, sermon by sermon. There really is no hypocrisy. But on a deeper level, whatever ‘war’ is being waged against my beliefs – a war that I approach only with a pen, a phone, a vote, and prayer (saving the best for last), that is the issue that must be addressed the loudest. Had social media been around in the seventies, you can bet that they would have been lit up with pro life rants, and anti no fault divorce rants, anti porn rants… All issues that were bigger then than they are now because now they are seen as normal and acceptable. All the more reason, in the eyes of the Christian, to ‘act’ while there’s still time to.

We ‘hypocrites’ hold the same standards for adulterers, thieves, divorcees, porn addicts, drug addicts, etc., as we do for homosexuals. We see it as a sin. We would not want anyone practicing homosexuality, practicing adultery, promoting abortion, advocating pedophilia, demonstrating undo pride, preaching another gospel – Not relegating equality of gravity or comparing homosexuality to anything else other than sin – teaching in Sunday school or holding a position of authority in the church. It’s not personal. It’s procedural and, yes, it’s discriminatory in that we believe God has layed out clear instruction for such things. So we reject these things because they are harmful things,not because people do the things. We don’t fear homosexuality any more than we fear porn or pride or lying or cheating. We just believe that people who practice such things openly and, not only shamelessly but proudly, cannot be in a position of leadership in what was until recently ostensibly a Christian organization. Against homosexual attendees, friends, coworkers, patrons, there is no such indictment – excepting we are asked to celebrate something we think is wrong. The hypocrisy is in that some for such things judge my Christian standards by using absolute objective morality principles. Ironically, the Christian approach.

There’s this word ‘ostensibly’ again… Ostensibly, this decision was made to better meet the needs of local families. These are our needs. I’m not afraid my child will be molested or indoctrinated – I wouldn’t send them with someone I don’t trust anyway – I have two homosexual friends I trust implicitly. If they were scout leaders my position would not change. And because my friends know me, they would understand.

I live in a very small community and I know all of the leaders, all of the up and coming families… None of them are homosexual. If that changes, I regard them well, as I should. I have no paranoid false expectation of some kind of hostile takeover. The men and woman who put in their time here work hard, have integrity, take due pride in their work, and I will respect their decisions in all of this as well. They will be true to what that believe. I wish them not only no harm but I wish them well.

I’m chartered for next year. I will not be asking for a refund.

I will miss it, for what it’s worth. And I will mark this day as the day that one of the last – and probably the best known – private bastions of safety and keepers of Christian integrity, sold out to fear.”
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Dear Ariana Grande

Dear Ariana Grande,

First off, congratulations on your new relationship. I didn’t even know that you were in a relationship until yesterday, nor did I care. Alas, my days of ignoring the lives of former Disney and Nickelodeon stars were over as of Wednesday morning when suddenly my timeline was filled with articles that begged to be read.

“Ariana Grande licks donut and says she hates America!”

“Ariana Grande and her new man lick donuts and hate America!”

“Ariana Grande hates Americans and licks donuts that aren’t hers!”

Who could resist such click bait?

My first reaction was one of shock and awe, for I’ve never licked a pastry and felt anything but love for my country. I didn’t even know it was possible to lick a donut and not have “God Bless America” gently humming in both my Parietal and Temporal lobes, pure joy bouncing from wall to wall in my patriotic pastry loving gray matter. Add coffee to the mix and, well, Ariana, I’m a freaking ball of whimsical merriment.

When I found out that you hated America (by your own admission), I can’t say I was surprised. This is a common theme among elitist celebrities, thankfully not all. I fully expect them to sit in their ivory towers and mock the little people with sheer distain for the very country and citizens who poured the concrete, built the walls, and pay for the personal chefs who support the delicate palates that have been born of their lavish lifestyles. You know, the celebrity obsessed populous who provide you with the funds to purchase the 1800 count Egyptian cotton sheets you sleep under while wearing pajamas that probably cost as much as my monthly rent. This doesn’t make me angry, for I’m not one to begrudge others for their successes in life. However, when you descend from your throne and enter our bakeries, casually violate our donuts, and carelessly offend those who have put you on your pedestal, it makes me a little perturbed. Not everyone relishes in the thought of eating a donut that contains your saliva, Ariana.

After the debacle began I was forced to go back and look at some of your Twitter history, as well as read your wildly comical apology. I’m not going to lie, I didn’t dig that hard. I was only able to find a few of your tweets that I could interpret; I quickly discovered that you’re not a fan of words. Forgive me, but I’m not fluent in Emoji. Your life truly is a rainbow of cartoon animal heads and, label me illiterate, but emojis aren’t my first, second, third, nor fourth language. Someday in the future when our great grandchildren look back at our form of visual communication, let’s call it “millennial cave art,” they’ll say about me, “This particularly unimportant woman refused to evolve and continued to speak Pig Latin when she felt inclined.” Do you know what they won’t say, Ariana? They won’t say that I randomly licked pastries that weren’t mine.

I digress.

I also found plenty of Barack Obama retweets, some love for Hillary Clinton, and a LOT about equal rights. This is where I became confused. I started ferociously scavenging through your Twitter history to find all of your tweets concerning ISIS. Okay, I didn’t go that far. I knew that if I continued digging at most I’d probably find a lone “#BringBackOurGirls” tweet between some suns, moons, mice, tea cups, hearts, and monkey emojis; along with a vast number of almost – but not quite there – words. I’m guessing that ISIS, Boko Haram, etc. have not been mentioned in your Tweets since there isn’t an emoji of a homosexual being thrown off a building…yet.

You see, I was confused because Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton fan girl tweets are fairly antithetical to equal rights and the freedom to be you, the real you, the you that loves rainbows and hates donuts and America. Because here’s the deal, Ariana, Obama and Clinton have both said one thing and have done the opposite. While you tweet about equal rights, homosexuals are being thrown off buildings in the Middle East. While you flaunt your scantily clad body, women in the Middle East are being forced into burqas and brutality. Women are raped repeatedly before their captors have breakfast, women who dream of freedom day and night after being mutilated, women who dream of a place like America. A place where we have the time to worry about childhood obesity. Women who have begged for help only to have our cowardly President send his wife and daughters on luxurious vacations while he ignores the cries for mercy from the innocent. American citizens have been beheaded with little response from the President of The United States, let that soak in. Better yet, Hillary Clinton has received funds from governments that condone such atrocities, governments that support the death penalty for homosexuals. I don’t know about you, Ariana, but her rainbow AVI and newly found support of the LGBT plight fails to impress when compared to her financial gain from countries that believe gay men should be slaughtered for their sins against Allah.

I don’t listen to your music, Ariana. However, I did some research and found these beautiful lyrics:

“When I get you moaning you know it’s real

Can you feel the pressure between your hips?

I’ll make it feel like the first time”

Riveting.

“Cause if you want to keep me, you gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta got to love me harder
And if you really need me, you gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta got to love me harder
Love me, love me, love me
Harder, harder, harder”

I get it, sex sells. However, you should probably reevaluate your hatred towards America since this is the country where that mediocre drivel you bring to the table – while performing in clothes designed to portray you as an object – has made you such a success. You know, as opposed to Saudi Arabia, one of Hillary’s many questionable donors. A place where women can’t vote, drive cars, sit close to men, wear make-up, swim, and Allah forbid they buy a Barbie or go without a head covering. 99% of what you do would be considered a crime in Saudi Arabia, Ariana, but Hillary doesn’t mind spending their money on drudging up support from uninformed masses who blare your cheap repetitive tunes on the way to the mall to take advantage of the blessings the vast majority in this world are denied, the blessings that brave men and women have died to protect. You walked into that donut shop and spilled your vitriol under the protection of the First Amendment rights that were paid for in blood.

I know what you’re thinking, Ariana. In your heartfelt apology you cleared all this up, you said you were extremely EXTREMELY proud to be an American. You said that your “private moment” with your friends was taken out of context. I don’t know how saying you hate America and Americans can be taken out of context, but we’ll go ahead and run with such obnoxious gibberish. You not only said it was taken out of context, you went on to say that you said those things, and licked an innocent donut, because you are an advocate for healthy eating. You licked a donut because you want children to be educated on the dangers of overeating. Your entire apology is an insult to the intelligence of everyone in this country, including those who need a reminder not to stick objects in light sockets. If someone was in the Walmart meat department randomly licking steaks because they want to end heart disease, we’d send them to a mental facility.

But not you, Ariana, not you.

I know you’ll never read this letter, and that’s alright. I also know that your popularity will not dive after you behaved like an insufferable dolt, and that’s unfortunate. It’s unfortunate because your popularity has put you on a pedestal, your popularity has made you someone that little girls look up to, and the fact that someone can sing “gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta got to love me harder. Love me, love me, love me, Harder, harder, harder” and simultaneously be an assumed legitimate voice of reason goes well beyond my logic. Congratulations, Ariana, you just treated this entire country like a bunch of morons, and if you release an album tomorrow they’d prove you right by making it platinum.

– MB

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