Is Trumpoholics Anonymous Right For You?

Do you have a Trumpoholic family member? Is a loved one suffering from frequent and joyful outbursts during Donald Trump ramblings? Or maybe you have an overwhelming feeling of hope when you hear the babbling toupee behind a podium say a few key words, and you just can’t shake the feeling that maybe he’s right. We want you to know you’re not alone, recovery programs are available. Trumpoholics Anonymous is completely confidential, no one needs to know you went through a bout of Trump love, we’re here to guide you or your loved on a path to recovery, not ruin your reputation and stain your ability to ever be taken seriously again.

First, let’s go over the symptoms of a Trumpoholic:

  • Do you defend Donald Trump even in the slightest bit? This is not proof that you’re a Trumpoholic, it’s just a sign that you’re flirting with danger. Don’t underestimate the control that a savvy business man with a limited vocabulary can have on your mind.
  • Do you catch yourself binge watching Donald Trump YouTube videos? You sit down, and before you know it you’ve consumed seven, eight, thirty videos of Donald talking about large walls? This is a red flag.
  • Are you beginning to say “loser,” “dummy,” and “stupid” in everyday conversation?
  • Have you started using #DonaldTrump2016 on your tweets?
  • Have you sold your soul to the devil recently?
  • Are you currently, or have you ever, ingested large quantities of lead based paint?
  • Do you say things to your neighbor like, “No, I’m not going to build a fence, you’re going to build a fence! Why? Because I told you to!”
  • Have your kids started telling other children, “Megyn Kelly is a bimbo!”
  • When you say “no thank you” to your wife’s baked goods, does she respond with, “Weird, because yesterday you were in my kitchen begging for a brownie, dummy!”
  • Do you brag to your boss, “I’ve got the answers, you don’t need to know what they are.”

If you or your loved one have begun showing signs of any of the symptoms above, then this program might just be for you. It’s not too late, you don’t have to continue supporting a buffoon, you can change. Our comprehensive program brings you through 12 steps, a road to recovery that lasts a lifetime, and we continue to offer guidance long after the program has ended. We offer emotional support, acceptance, and the occasional throat punch. We want you to feel safe, secure, and confident in your beliefs. We even set you up with a recovery sponsor, your sponsor will not judge you because at one point they were just as ridiculous as you.

Our most involved program is our 12 Step Program. In this program you’ll have dedicated supporters of other candidates that will walk along side you through the following 12 steps.

  1. Admitting you have the problem. We admitted we weren’t powerless when it came to Trump, but that our lives had become unmanageable.”
  2. Admitting there’s a cure. “My family came to find that a politician greater than Trump could restore us to sanity.”
  3. Deciding to make the change. Made a decision to turn our ways  over to the care of the occasional throat punch.
  4. Take an inventory. “I made a fearless inventory of my sanity.”
  5. Admitting our faults to family. “Admitted to ourselves and to family that Trump was encompassing our thoughts.”
  6. Ready to make the change. I’m entirely ready to listen to other candidates start saying words like “policy,” and “that country’s not going to build that wall.”
  7. Ask family for forgiveness. “I humbly asked my family to remove their judgement…and those seasons of The Apprentice from my bookshelf.”
  8. Make note of all those you’ve wronged. I made a list of all persons I needed to make amends with, so basically I printed off a list of my Facebook friends.
  9. Send “Sorry I had a moment of weakness” letters to the list from #8. “I made direct amends to those who had changed their beliefs because of my lapse of judgement.”
  10. Take a daily personal inventory. “I’ve thought positively of Trump 5 times today, but it won’t control me. I just keep reminding myself that he’s not a conservative.” 
  11. Enter the political world a new man/woman. “I was scared I wouldn’t be accepted, but then at a friendly debate gathering I said, “Carly did great!” It was at this point that I found acceptance in the form of a high five that wasn’t to my face. Thanks, Trumpoholics Anonymous!” 
  12. Place your vote for someone competent. “I’ve had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, I’ve tried to really spread the message of other candidates. I plan to vote for the GOP candidate, and not Donald Trump. I also know what a Single Payer Heathcare system is, and want to throat punch my past self for supporting someone who appreciated it.”

Reviews:

“I was really scared, I won’t lie. What would my life be like without his one-liners and drastically overrated loudness? But then I signed up for the Trumpoholics Anonymous program, and everything changed. I felt whole again, because I was using that part of the brain I had pushed away for so long; the whole thing.” 

“I have my wife, and Trumpoholics Anonymous, to thank for my change. My wife came to me one day and said, “Honey, that man’s a jackwagon. If you vote for him, we’re divorcing.” I couldn’t lose her, no matter how much I loved to hear Trump talk about those rapist and thugs crossing the border, I had to admit that the Wall of Jericho and millions of laser guns was not an appropriate response.” 

“I was sitting in my living room one day when my little girl leapt onto my lap and gently laid her head on my shoulder, she then whispered, “I’m hungry, and you’re going to get me dinner because I said you’re going to get me dinner. Don’t show up in my room tonight soliciting bedtime hugs and then turn around and disrespect me.” I knew then that I’d have to make a choice for my family, things had escalated out of my control. Trumpoholics Anonymous gave my family the freedom to research other candidates, and now my daughter is saying that I need to be a maid, and my husband needs to be a backroom bartender, so that one day she can be a humble President. Unfortunately, she’s also demanded that we claim to be Cuban immigrants, but that’s definitely a step up.” 

Trumpoholics Anonymous has already helped so many, let us help you too.

Maybe you’ve already been through the program and you just need a refresher? We’ve got you covered.

Programs we offer:

Trumpoholics Anonymous 12 Step Program – This is for those who need to start from the beginning, those who forgot about Ross Perot, as well as Trump’s support for Democrats, Eminent Domain, Abortion, and Socialized Healthcare. We take you from broken to beautiful in 12 easy steps. Don’t be ashamed, just seek help.

I looked like a fool last night

Trumpoholics Refresher Course – This is for those who have recently listened to him when he was acting almost normal. They’ve been tempted to jump back on the train, but are not in need of the full 12 steps. In this shortened program, we’ll take you through the final 4 steps.

Trumpoholics Anonymous Shin Kick or Facepalm – So you caught yourself chuckling, mumbling under your breath, “Well, Trump’s right about that!” One of our staff members will drive to your house and deliver a stern, but well meaning, kick to the shin or Facepalm. The choice is yours.

Supporting a candidate is a huge responsibility, and we want to help you avoid a Trump Presidency so that years down the line you don’t have to explain to your children that you are part of the reason why there will never be another Republican President. Ever.

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