So there you are with well over 11 million illegal immigrants, and you need to rid yourself of them in a timely manner, but as the Grim Reaper taps his freshly sharpened scythe upon the door of your soul, you know you must tread lightly – Avoid the Salmon Mousse!
If you recognize the above scene, we can be friends.
So how do you do it? Well, in the ever brilliant theory of Sir. Donald Trump, you rip families apart and displace them in a humane manner – and you do it within 18-24 months. Ignore the oxymoron. According to Ann Coulter, it’s pretty simple.
“Look up Dwight Eisenhower’s. It was called ‘Operation Wetback.’ He started at the border, the troops moved north, they knew the businesses and they knew the homes. They went in and deported them,” said Coulter, who is known for being brash.
“And by the way, Donald Trump, yeah he’s right, you should go after the criminals. I’d go after the law abiding ones to send the message. Law abiding! They are not law abiding if they are illegal immigrants,” she added. “They get the message and then you do what Mitt Romney was saying: enforce e-verify. Make sure only Americans can get jobs. They get the message. They leave on their own.”
We’ll do it humanely by scaring them into fleeing the country. Well, Ann Coulter, thank you for that breath of fresh dysentery.
In reality, the numbers are probably much higher, but at minimum we are sitting around 11.5 million undocumented immigrants. So, I’m going to be generous to the pugnacious pro-deportation militants in terms of numbers, because I can still get my point across. Let’s round down the number of illegal immigrants to 11 million, and let’s take advantage of the longer end of the timeline, two years. That means we need to deport roughly 15,068 immigrants every day. Now, just for fun, let’s say 1/4 of them up and leave willingly. That brings us down to 8.25 million people to deport in total, and we need to heave-ho 11,301 individuals every day, including weekends and holidays; Justice never sleeps, nor does it celebrate Jesus’ birth.
Ironton, OH: Population roughly 11,300
Caramel Indiana: Population roughly 79,000
Anaheim, CA: Population roughly 346,000
Honolulu, HI: Population roughly 350,399
New Mexico: Population roughly 2,085,000
Los Angeles, CA: Population roughly 3,930,000
New York, NY: Population roughly 8,491,000
Virginia: Population roughly 8,260,000
Within a 24 hour span, we would have to process and deport the same number of people Ironton, Ohio has in its entire city. Every week would be like taking out all of Caramel, Indiana. Imagine all of Anaheim or Honolulu being swept away every month, New Mexico every 6 months, Los Angeles each year, and the entire population of Virginia in 24 months. Or, in terms even the simplest minds can grasp, we’d have to deport 471 immigrants in the time it takes us to find out which star won’t be dancing with their designated professional dancer next week.
Let’s begin! For the sake of an attempt at brevity, we’re going to leave out details on how this would disembowel the economy, how in 2012 8.1 million illegal immigrants paid $11.8 billion in taxes, and under comprehensive immigration reform we could raise that number by billions upon billions while also halting government aid to those who came in undocumented, or how legalized immigrants boost the economy which boosts job growth and opportunity for everyone, which makes a stronger America, etc… We don’t have time for math and facts, that silly nonsense can wait until after we’ve become a depraved, weakened, and heartless society with Ann Coulter at the front of the celebratory parade like a bastion of ruthless emptiness.
Was that harsh?
Why stop and think of the repercussions? Let’s get on with it! I’ll lay out how this is going to go, and hopefully by the end the Grim Reaper will see just how smooth this process will flow, and we’ll get to keep our souls.
Step 1: Build a wall. Let’s start construction.
Translation: “Well, here we go, straight out of the gate. What about the private property?”
What about it? Eminent Domain is always an option, but everyone along that border will want a wall, trust me.
Translation: “That’s far from accurate. Fence expansion alone was fought due to the threat it posed to wildlife, and much of South Texas refused to sell their land. Imagine how they’ll feel about a ‘yuge’ wall. Eminent Domain takes time, and as a result of property rights you have court battles, payouts, etc… Now, I understand Ann and Donald have this image in their minds of how this will go, much like a time lapse video of smiling Mexicans building a wall while singing Lee Greenwood’s greatest hits, but their cute vision is far from a reality.
Perspective: In 2009, it took four months and $170 million to erect a 19-foot 38 mile long fence near El Paso.”
Way to be a buzzkill, Grim. But hey, for the sake of getting on with this plan, let’s pretend like the Eminent Domain Fairy came along, made everyone agree, and lengthy property right legal battles don’t exist.
Wall is built.
Grim: “I am death….”
Translation: “Oh, this is going to be fun. Alright, I’m going to give you a pass here, because it’s just property… and I’m interested in seeing how this goes down.”
Step 2: Ask the 8.25 million left to leave.
Translation: “Then laugh hysterically at how stupid this idea was, right?”
That’s cold, Grim.
Step 3: Find them. Start going door to door like Ann said! I mean, is a dystopian police state, night time raids, racial profiling, destruction of privacy rights, etc., really all that bad? So, door to door, a little bit of mass hysteria and paranoia, families ripped apart in front of our eyes, and voila, justice is served!
Translation: “Okay, come on… Dragging people out in the streets, terrifying children, virtually shredding the Bill of Rights, etc., that’s going to cost at least some of your soul. And don’t forget, you have to process them.
I’m just sayin’, I’ve collected souls for a lot less. I have a feeling this is going to be a tiresome conversation.”
Well, there’s really no other way, Grim. We’ve got a deadline to meet, so I guess some isn’t as bad as the whole thing. What did you have in mind?
Translation: “At least 25%.”
Fine… Wait, we have to process them? But where will we put them while we process?
Step 4: Detain. Before we can get them out of the country, we need to find a place to put them until they’re “processed,” because somebody has to be a stickler.
Translation: “Do you want to revisit the 25%? Do you? I will turn this car around!”
Settle down. Right now we only have enough room for some illegal immigrants awaiting processing, but the space designated for illegal immigrant detainment should take a while to fill, so I think we can cross that bridge when we come to it.
Translation: “Three days. It would take less than three days to fill that space. The U.S. maintains enough space to detain 34,000 illegal immigrants who are awaiting processing. There is no bridge to cross, it’s not even on fire anymore, it’s an ash heap. It was burning down before you even started thinking about it. The bridge is gone. Is this how the entire conversation is going to go?”
You know what, Mr. Negative, never mind, let’s just skip this step. Send out the SWAT teams, buses, and law enforcement officers.
Grim: “I have come for you….”
Translation: “Alright, my challenged friend, you can’t just skip this step. That’s like saying you’re going to use 15 ingredients to make cookies, but that you won’t be mixing them together. They have a right to due process.”
But, they’re illegals, what rights should they have?
Translation: “Did the Bill of Rights stutter? Do you actually understand the meaning of judicial review? In America they make sure that those getting punished receive their day in court, and illegals are granted hearings and appeals before deportation. Everyone accused of a crime gets their day in court. Between court hearings, balancing time for lawyers, judges, etc., this particular part of the process will take roughly 18-20 years. Additionally, what are you going to do when crimes begin to rise, cases are put on the back burner due to an overloaded court system, law enforcement officers are stretched thin, etc… If you disregard these details and drive your country through such hell without learning what it will entail, I’m going to need another 25% of your soul.”
Fine. I suppose the glass isn’t 50% empty, it’s 50% full, amiright?! And on top of that, why should I feel bad? They should have gotten in line like everyone else. It’s not fair!
Grim: “Silence! I am death…”
Translation: “The American immigration system is an utter disaster, many of these people would not have the necessary familial relationships to apply, and many who do have the necessary familial relationships face years or decades in wait. In addition, they’re not qualified for refugee or asylee status, and the diversity lottery is a joke. And there’s a roadblock in your plans – the House and the Supreme Court will never let you disregard individual rights in such a sweeping fashion. Your opinion that it’s unfair doesn’t make your wishes anymore possible.”
They’ll let Trump! Especially since he’s going to bring back the good ones!
Translation: “There’s no law or power at present that allows a president to do what Trump promises, whether you agree with him or not is irrelevant. If you want a president who knows his limitations in a free nation and works within them, you’re going to have to give up on Trump. And wouldn’t it be more cost efficient to just deport the bad in the first place?”
I guess those who stand in our way need to go, otherwise we’ll be hindered by all of the annoying bureaucratic “due process, justice for all, individual/property rights” red tape. President Trump needs to be able to do what’s right for this country, and he needs to be able to do it completely unhindered by dirty establishment politicians holding hostage his superior knowledge of what’s right.
Step 5: Easiest step yet: Drop them off.
Grim: “Get ready to meet your end!”
Translation: “You can’t just drop them off, that ended poorly during Eisenhower’s days, and he had the cooperation of Mexico and a smaller number to work with.”
Wait… So you’re saying we have to take them back to their original homes???
Translation: “Well, many are from Panama, Belize, Ecuador, Costa Rica, El Salvador, Guatemala, or Nicaragua. Some are even from Vietnam, Korea, Philippines, among others. Did you think you could just drop them across the border?”
Translation: “I’m trying to work with you here, so I need you to focus. Even if they were all from Mexico, dropping them in one location would be like dropping you in Arizona – with zero resources – and saying, “Good luck getting back home to Wyoming!” You need to find out where they go, but you can’t, because you didn’t process them.”
It’s their fault.
Translation: “So should I take the soul now, or are you going to need some time to say goodbye? Saying, “It’s their fault,” doesn’t make your ideas anymore plausible. You understand that, right? Say you eat something rancid, saying “but I really wanted it” doesn’t stop botulism from paying you a visit, nor does it stop him from inviting me along for the party. Declaring that it’s “their fault” doesn’t make your despicable ideas anymore humane, saying that it’s “only fair” doesn’t make it possible.”
Okay, fine. We’ll ask them each where they live, and then transport them to their homes.
Grim: “I. Am. Death….”
Translation: “You can’t be this dumb. The vast majority have been in the United States and are assimilated, they don’t have places to go. This isn’t the 1950s where we brought them in as temporary labor and then repatriated them, horribly I might add. Now we’re talking about complete families, contributors to society.”
But they pillage, rape, murder, and take jobs!!
Translation: “First off, legalized immigrants, which is what other GOP candidates want, don’t just fill jobs, they create them. Their presence not only fills an open position, but they also simultaneously boost demand. They rent homes, buy groceries, cell phones, cars, televisions, clothing, etc., so economically a legalized immigrant is a benefit. While many try to say illegal immigrants pose a drain on the economy, if handled correctly via non-immigrant visas and reform, getting more legalized workers onto the tax rolls can help the labor market. Second off, the illegal immigrant population has more than tripled between 1990 and 2013, yet the violent crime rate has declined by 48%. The numbers used to push the idea that they’re all gang members and thugs is a stretch. Are there some? Sure. Are there some gang members and thugs in every ethnic group? YES.”
But they all vote democrat!
Translation: “I wonder why? You know, Republican presidential candidates who treat the Hispanic community with dignity have often had a solid Hispanic turnout. See Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush. And maybe, just maybe, if you were to spend more time reaching out to them instead of trying to kick their families out of the country, you’d build a better rapport. Then again, who I am to talk about a good rapport…”
But there’s so many in prison!!!!!
Grim: “I am death…”
Translation: “They account for roughly twice their representation, but this is due in part to the fact that immigration violations fall under federal jurisdiction. The reality is in the numbers. In 2010 it was found that 1.6% of foreign-born males were incarcerated, compared to 3.3% for native-born males. You are judging them all by the few that do, but what would you say if I used Jeffrey Dahmer to judge all American males? Well, let’s just say I’d be having more fun with this scythe.”
Only a tiny percentage of the nation’s violent crimes are handled by the federal court system. Yes, undocumented immigrants accounted for 9.2% of federal murder convictions in 2013, but that represents a grand total of eight murder cases. When you consider that the FBI estimates there were 14,196 murders in the U.S. in 2013, those few cases handled by the federal court system don’t quite register as a reliable sample set.
The same goes for the other violent crimes cited in those statistics. Add the fact that undocumented immigrants are far more likely to be caught up in the federal court system because of non-violent immigration violations, and the numbers shouldn’t mean much.
But they’re illegal immigrants, which mean 100% of them are criminals!!!
Translation: “Candidates other than Trump are talking about instituting strict measures of what could be deemed punishment. A decade or more of good behavior required, fees, taxes, loss of benefits, etc., just to stay in the country. Do you realize that we have native-born citizens committing violent crimes who face less probation time?”
I don’t care! I want my country back!
Grim: “Dooom on you…”
Translation: “So, in short, you want to welcome a dystopian police state, disregard all levels of government, put all of the power in one man’s hands, destroy property rights, grow government, further damage a fragile economy, rip families apart and send them to an unknown place where many are sure to die, suffer, or be doomed to a life of poverty, and then act like you’ve got a country worth keeping?”
Grim: “I’m going to need your soul now.”
Jokes aside, friends, the reality is that you can’t deport everyone in a humane manner whether you try to do it within 2 years, or 10. It’s costly, we have assimilated families, and this is not what America stands for. Sure, deport those who commit violent crimes, end sanctuary cities, institute workplace enforcement, secure the border, charge fees, use background checks, and take away government benefits, etc., and then have them stay in that status for at least a decade. That is the opposite of a pardon, and includes more restriction than many of those on probation. You don’t get to slap “amnesty” on whatever you wish simply because you really, really, really want to destroy the lives of millions of individuals for some sort of sick revenge.
As I’ve said countless times, while many support Marco Rubio despite what they perceive to be his faulty immigration stance, I support Marco Rubio because it’s the only logical immigration stance on the table. He’s open and honest about what can be done, where we’ve made mistakes in the past, and how this issue can’t be fixed overnight. I’ll take logic over empty promises any day.
This rant is complete.
Disclaimer: No souls were consumed during the writing of this blog post.