Dear Ariana Grande,
First off, congratulations on your new relationship. I didn’t even know that you were in a relationship until yesterday, nor did I care. Alas, my days of ignoring the lives of former Disney and Nickelodeon stars were over as of Wednesday morning when suddenly my timeline was filled with articles that begged to be read.
“Ariana Grande licks donut and says she hates America!”
“Ariana Grande and her new man lick donuts and hate America!”
“Ariana Grande hates Americans and licks donuts that aren’t hers!”
Who could resist such click bait?
My first reaction was one of shock and awe, for I’ve never licked a pastry and felt anything but love for my country. I didn’t even know it was possible to lick a donut and not have “God Bless America” gently humming in both my Parietal and Temporal lobes, pure joy bouncing from wall to wall in my patriotic pastry loving gray matter. Add coffee to the mix and, well, Ariana, I’m a freaking ball of whimsical merriment.
When I found out that you hated America (by your own admission), I can’t say I was surprised. This is a common theme among elitist celebrities, thankfully not all. I fully expect them to sit in their ivory towers and mock the little people with sheer distain for the very country and citizens who poured the concrete, built the walls, and pay for the personal chefs who support the delicate palates that have been born of their lavish lifestyles. You know, the celebrity obsessed populous who provide you with the funds to purchase the 1800 count Egyptian cotton sheets you sleep under while wearing pajamas that probably cost as much as my monthly rent. This doesn’t make me angry, for I’m not one to begrudge others for their successes in life. However, when you descend from your throne and enter our bakeries, casually violate our donuts, and carelessly offend those who have put you on your pedestal, it makes me a little perturbed. Not everyone relishes in the thought of eating a donut that contains your saliva, Ariana.
After the debacle began I was forced to go back and look at some of your Twitter history, as well as read your wildly comical apology. I’m not going to lie, I didn’t dig that hard. I was only able to find a few of your tweets that I could interpret; I quickly discovered that you’re not a fan of words. Forgive me, but I’m not fluent in Emoji. Your life truly is a rainbow of cartoon animal heads and, label me illiterate, but emojis aren’t my first, second, third, nor fourth language. Someday in the future when our great grandchildren look back at our form of visual communication, let’s call it “millennial cave art,” they’ll say about me, “This particularly unimportant woman refused to evolve and continued to speak Pig Latin when she felt inclined.” Do you know what they won’t say, Ariana? They won’t say that I randomly licked pastries that weren’t mine.
I also found plenty of Barack Obama retweets, some love for Hillary Clinton, and a LOT about equal rights. This is where I became confused. I started ferociously scavenging through your Twitter history to find all of your tweets concerning ISIS. Okay, I didn’t go that far. I knew that if I continued digging at most I’d probably find a lone “#BringBackOurGirls” tweet between some suns, moons, mice, tea cups, hearts, and monkey emojis; along with a vast number of almost – but not quite there – words. I’m guessing that ISIS, Boko Haram, etc. have not been mentioned in your Tweets since there isn’t an emoji of a homosexual being thrown off a building…yet.
You see, I was confused because Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton fan girl tweets are fairly antithetical to equal rights and the freedom to be you, the real you, the you that loves rainbows and hates donuts and America. Because here’s the deal, Ariana, Obama and Clinton have both said one thing and have done the opposite. While you tweet about equal rights, homosexuals are being thrown off buildings in the Middle East. While you flaunt your scantily clad body, women in the Middle East are being forced into burqas and brutality. Women are raped repeatedly before their captors have breakfast, women who dream of freedom day and night after being mutilated, women who dream of a place like America. A place where we have the time to worry about childhood obesity. Women who have begged for help only to have our cowardly President send his wife and daughters on luxurious vacations while he ignores the cries for mercy from the innocent. American citizens have been beheaded with little response from the President of The United States, let that soak in. Better yet, Hillary Clinton has received funds from governments that condone such atrocities, governments that support the death penalty for homosexuals. I don’t know about you, Ariana, but her rainbow AVI and newly found support of the LGBT plight fails to impress when compared to her financial gain from countries that believe gay men should be slaughtered for their sins against Allah.
I don’t listen to your music, Ariana. However, I did some research and found these beautiful lyrics:
“When I get you moaning you know it’s real
Can you feel the pressure between your hips?
I’ll make it feel like the first time”
“Cause if you want to keep me, you gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta got to love me harder
And if you really need me, you gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta got to love me harder
Love me, love me, love me
Harder, harder, harder”
I get it, sex sells. However, you should probably reevaluate your hatred towards America since this is the country where that mediocre drivel you bring to the table – while performing in clothes designed to portray you as an object – has made you such a success. You know, as opposed to Saudi Arabia, one of Hillary’s many questionable donors. A place where women can’t vote, drive cars, sit close to men, wear make-up, swim, and Allah forbid they buy a Barbie or go without a head covering. 99% of what you do would be considered a crime in Saudi Arabia, Ariana, but Hillary doesn’t mind spending their money on drudging up support from uninformed masses who blare your cheap repetitive tunes on the way to the mall to take advantage of the blessings the vast majority in this world are denied, the blessings that brave men and women have died to protect. You walked into that donut shop and spilled your vitriol under the protection of the First Amendment rights that were paid for in blood.
I know what you’re thinking, Ariana. In your heartfelt apology you cleared all this up, you said you were extremely EXTREMELY proud to be an American. You said that your “private moment” with your friends was taken out of context. I don’t know how saying you hate America and Americans can be taken out of context, but we’ll go ahead and run with such obnoxious gibberish. You not only said it was taken out of context, you went on to say that you said those things, and licked an innocent donut, because you are an advocate for healthy eating. You licked a donut because you want children to be educated on the dangers of overeating. Your entire apology is an insult to the intelligence of everyone in this country, including those who need a reminder not to stick objects in light sockets. If someone was in the Walmart meat department randomly licking steaks because they want to end heart disease, we’d send them to a mental facility.
But not you, Ariana, not you.
I know you’ll never read this letter, and that’s alright. I also know that your popularity will not dive after you behaved like an insufferable dolt, and that’s unfortunate. It’s unfortunate because your popularity has put you on a pedestal, your popularity has made you someone that little girls look up to, and the fact that someone can sing “gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta got to love me harder. Love me, love me, love me, Harder, harder, harder” and simultaneously be an assumed legitimate voice of reason goes well beyond my logic. Congratulations, Ariana, you just treated this entire country like a bunch of morons, and if you release an album tomorrow they’d prove you right by making it platinum.