Dear Fellow Women,
This week a campaign was launched to ban the word “bossy”. This ridiculous campaign has the backing of various celebrities, politicians, as well as the First Lady; basically, all of the people that I don’t consult when I need an opinion about my vocabulary. Apparently, beneath the layers of our supposed lack of gender equality, a painful barrier was put in place to prohibit women from being strong, successful and confident. This campaign has been initiated to successfully turn a patch of flat land into a mountain. Not to be redundant, but put plainly, they are attempting to turn absolutely nothing into a sexist catastrophe.
The almost unmentionable act being perpetrated on women throughout the world has finally come to the attention of the elitists after years of blindness. Just kidding, it’s really just here in the United States, because in other countries women are more worried about being executed if their burka malfunctions, or being sentenced to a gang rape for doing what Hollywood does on a daily basis.
I digress…back to us:
Bitter? Yeah. They’re bitter. Why wouldn’t they be? Here they thought progress for their fake notion was being made, only to now find that the years of grueling attempts at beating their make believe equality war in to our tiny little female brains were but a pretend waste. In a deserted land of unfair circumstances, success was but a mirage. The shifting sands of society are mere breadcrumbs for the meatloaf women should be making instead of doing things like thinking, voting, or anything else that takes more brain cells than worrying about a word…. But alas, the open door to the future is but a partition in a limo, right, Beyonce?
There we were, forming our own opinions, when suddenly a word protruded through the thick walls of our confidence, throwing us back into the kitchen where we belong.
I was then forced to realize that at various times in my life I, in my deep depravity, had been bossy; however, this revelation brought with it another, the revelation that I didn’t care that I was told I was being bossy. Now, in an attempt to ban the wretched word, the true colors of “strong” women are coming out. The unmitigated weakness of our sex is presenting itself to the world, standing on the pitiful soapbox of feminist propaganda while proclaiming that our heads are full of such flawed grey matter that a mere five letter word has the power to hold us back.
So, I have a solution to this, clearly, disastrous and unprecedented issue. See below:
As women, weakened by the blow of a common euphemism for someone that takes charge, I’ve decided that we should give up. We should pack it in for a multitude of reasons, only a handful of which are listed below –
1. We’re stupid.
Clearly we’ve had enough of this personal opinion, hyperbolic individuality crap. Thinking for ourselves is difficult, it’s tiresome; quite honestly, it’s much easier to be told what to do and think. According to feminists, we need pretend cultural catastrophes to push our finely toned bum up the ladder anyway, why not just sit back and believe the lies in the mind numbing display of stupidity they expect us to? So, let’s get on that dance floor, listen to what Jennifer Lopez says, and lift our drinks in the air. Our small minds are better suited for the trivial things in life, like how did Lady Gaga come up with such a brilliant euphemism like “disco stick”, am I right? Or, are our bodies really too bootylicious for you? And, what dress did Jennifer Garner wear to the Oscars? It’s gorgeous, she’s gorgeous, and anyone that looks that good clearly has all the answers as to why I can’t get that promotion.
DISCLAIMER: I have absolutely no idea if Jennifer Garner even went to the Oscars, because I don’t watch them. And I don’t care. Not even a little. My care tank is on “E”. My celebrity care account is in the negative.
2. We’re really stupid.
We desperately need women like Lena Dunham to show us that sexual abuse is pretty funny, being a man’s plaything is our sole purpose in life, and that we need sexualized campaign commercials just to get us out of bed to vote. Oh, and she also teaches us that to further your career all you need to do is remove your clothing. We need words like “bossy” to be banned in order for us to make any improvement for our own sex, clearly our little minds can’t possibly tackle obstacles with the false implications of a word lingering overhead. Dictionaries around every corner, just waiting to fall on the floor and oppress us with dangerous adjectives, verbs that hope to seek out your managerial skills and destroy them. And clearly, since we didn’t realize the brutality of this wretched word before, how could we possibly read a graph correctly, or open an email? Are we even qualified to take the trash out? Let’s face it, with words like “bossy” being tossed around, I think we’re better off playing doctor than being a doctor, right?? Hollywood???
3. We are, without doubt, incredibly stupid. (WARNING: GRAPHIC LYRICS)
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/jayz/bigpimpinextended.html <—– Because his wife is somehow our feminist ambassador.
4. We’re dangerously stupid. (WARNING: GRAPHIC LYRICS)
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/beyonceknowles/yoncpartition.html <—– Because she is somehow our feminist ambassador.
5. Not to beat a dead horse, but we’re weapons grade stupid.
For many reasons, like the sheer fact that the elitists in Hollywood think that they can control the minds of women, the fact that we beg for more dependence on men while screaming about our equality, the fact that we worship those that encourage us to treat our bodies like meal tickets, or the fact that we are teaching little girls that a word like “bossy” has power over them. Acting like a word, used in the right context, is somehow bad for women is beyond ludicrous and insults our intelligence. Believing such hypocritical rubbish just proves my point.
I personally feel that if the original feminists could see us today, they would question our right to vote. So, shall we throw the towel in, Ladies? No? You want to be viewed as an individual with a functioning brain? Then do us ALL a favor and tell the #BanBossy crowd to throw their simple minded pathetic rhetoric off a cliff. Tell them to stop telling you what to think, you know, tell them to stop being bossy!
Sorry if I sounded “bossy” in this post.
Just kidding, I’m not sorry.
In closing, I am lacking in any photos that would go well with this post, so I’ve decided to post a picture of my dog dressed up like Sherlock Holmes. Because it’s adorable.