The Collision Blog

Dear NRA… — October 5, 2015

Dear NRA…

Dear NRA,

Saturday morning I found myself staring across a field of grass, blinded by the early morning sun, and chilled by a crisp Wisconsin fall breeze. I watched as my 8 year-old nephew played football with a few dozen other children, their families filled the stands to cheer on the little ones they love. The kids smiled and giggled, and my nephew danced around on the field like the ham he is. The boys on the field pushed each other around while laughing, all of them far too young to understand what happened last week, too young to grasp the fact that an insane, depraved madman walked into a college and took the lives of innocent men and women. No, the children on the field are too innocent to face such horrors, to sit with hands ringing watching the news unfold. They’re all too wide-eyed and full of hope to know what happened in Sandy Hook, or to hear of the children who begged for their lives in Columbine. They’re too raw in nature to hear the gruesome details, or be privy to the idea that there are individuals in this world who, given the opportunity, would take their lives.

Saturday morning my nephew obliviously enjoyed his football game, but on Saturday morning I scanned the faces of all who entered the stands. I watched the fences, the cars, and the entrance and exit points to the field. I pondered what I would do to protect myself and my nephew if someone came with the intent to harm. Would it be better for him to run, for me to run, would they have the mercy to look in his bright eyes and end their hatred? Would they target the children, or target the parents in the stands, forever damaging the innocent minds watching? I scanned, I pondered, I feared. I feared for him, I feared for myself, and I sat in this uncomfortable chill wondering if the madman of my nightmares would bother to leave his gun neatly tucked away in a safe as I had done that very morning. I had run to the grocery store, returned home, and put my Bersa Thunder in the safe, neatly tucked away in my closet before taking my nephew for his football game in a gun-free zone.

While I know the stats and understand that crimes of such magnitude are not on the rise, and that technological advancements have just made us more aware, the news from last week was fresh in my mind. I also know that the gun-free zone I was sitting in with the most precious cargo was statistically more likely to be a target than the theater I took him to later that day, a theater that allows me to protect myself and the innocent lives in tow. I know that the odds of being involved in a mass shooting are low, but I also know that the families burying their loved ones this week never thought they would be on the side of the odds they’re on.

Later that evening I was scrolling through Twitter and saw that many were attacking you – and guns in general – for the Oregon shooting.  I found them blaming you for the actions of a maniac, apparently he would have stayed home and lived out a peaceful life if the NRA didn’t exist? They make it sound as though you put the gun in his hands and pushed him through the doors of that college. I heard a speech by the President, in which he insinuated that organizations like yourself are to blame. I watched journalist after journalist and commentator after commentator demand an apology from you – and from your members – ad nauseam. Their anger was not poured into the actions of a madman, but rather into the actions of the National Rifle Association.

“Therefore the NRA should take its rightful place on the State Department list of terrorist organizations, because its influence is more of an immediate threat to the lives of our citizens than foreign terrorists.”

Since you are under attack by the narrative driven politicians and the sycophants who march against people like me – people like my innocent nephew – I felt the need to speak out. I fear them, NRA. I fear what kind of influence they will have on the people of this nation, I fear the number of people who believe their blatant lies and hypocrisy. I fear for the lives of those who enter gun-free zones daily, for the woman that scans the dark parking lot to see if it’s safe to walk to her car, the couple who live in a high crime area who have been taught to fear protection, and I fear for the mothers and fathers who think a sign will keep their children safe.

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#CNNDebate: What Really Matters — September 17, 2015

#CNNDebate: What Really Matters

I am nothing if not opinionated, however, today I’m going to set some of those opinions aside and take a stab at a logical outlook for the current candidates. At this point, the candidates need to prove to those writing the checks that they are viable and worthy of continued support. Those who do well with the click bait public may not do as well with them, nor with serious conservatives.

Think of it like the appeal of a brand new toy. Johnny wants the new Nerf Zombie Strike Doominator Blaster, and he has dreams of sneaking through tall grass to annihilate the enemy, which is really just Jimmy and Billy, and so he begs his parents for this elite level of foam warfare. Johnny’s parents give in, and three months later the foam bullets are found bent and destroyed in the bottom of a toy box, and the Nerf Zombie Strike Doominator Blaster has yet to kill any zombies, and Jimmy and Billy have already purchased the 2.0 version. The shiny new gun that consumed all of Johnny’s time for approximately one week is now collecting dust on the floor in his room. However, every time Johnny gets bored and realizes that his fun new toys have lost their spark and appeal, you can find him on the living room floor building a castle creation made with the bucket of Legos his parents purchased him 4 years prior. You see, some candidates are Nerf Zombie Strike Doominator Blasters, and others are Legos, and one special candidate is like a blow torch in the hands of a toddler.

Last night, bottom tier candidates had something to prove, and many of them failed. Everyone at the first debate is out of luck, we all know this. But here is my breakdown, and prediction, for the 11 candidates on the main stage last night. Some exposed themselves as a good investment, others did not. They needed to set themselves apart in policy, not just in pizzazz.

John Kasich and Mike Huckabee (F):

I’m combining them to save time and sanity. They’re old news and have absolutely zero appeal to anyone under the age of 45, and that’s even stretching it. They won’t win anything. I predict that by Christmas these two will either be out, or they’ll be a joke. Both of these men would be a risky investment, all but guaranteed to yield a loss. By the end of the second fundraising quarter, September 30th, both of these candidates will feel the sting of defeat creeping up like rigamortis.

Rand Paul (D+): 

I have a feeling he’ll struggle for air longer than most, but still won’t make it much longer. He won’t even come close to winning the nomination. While many politically vapid millennials who appreciate his indignation for “The Man” tend to hang on his every word, the rest of us gasped in pity when he danced his campaign down the suicidal road of isolationism on Wednesday evening. We look around our world and see horror and fear, mass hysteria and pain, and our greatest concern with Paul was his foreign policy deficiency to begin with, last night only solidified our prejudice.

Ben Carson (C):

Ben Carson is the prime example of the Nerf Zombie Strike Doominator Blaster appeal. He’s a good guy, the people love him, the politically immersed conservatives even love him, but we cringe a little when he speaks on policy. If our country was not in the state it’s currently in, he would have a much better shot. Unfortunately the brilliant brain surgeon feels more like a dose of Tylenol for a patient fighting Ebola. We really like him, and if it was just a minor headache he’d be the first choice, but it’s just not a job for Tylenol. I suspect he’ll be all the rage for a few more weeks, but Wednesday was the beginning of his fizzling, by November he’ll be on his way out. The irrelevance of early polls will be on full display.

Ted Cruz (D): 

I once cheered on Teddy, no lie. I supported his endeavors, spirit, and full-on spunk. He was strong and against the grain. Now he annoys me. His speaking abilities, once hailed, now feel stiff and rehearsed. Worst of all, I cringe in horror whenever I think of the way he’s pandered to Donald Trump. I understand that he plans to collect votes from the disappointed leaches who are sure to drop from Trump once his campaign is doused in salt, but I can’t help but be angry for the conservatives like myself who had faith in him to rise above such low tactics. I am unforgiving in the world of politics, and while my personality is normally one of mild mannered – sarcasm laden – optimism, I quickly become Michael Corleone when you cross the line politically. Betrayal is intolerable, and while others sing his praises, I’m acknowledging my historical accolades for the man while also knowing what needs to be done. “I know it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart.” He’s cooked for many of us who are paying attention… Candidates don’t get elected by leaches alone, and the dedicated few who stand by him through his moments of weakness will accept the disappointment and move on, as well. I don’t hate the man, by any means, but I have no problem making him an example on how to lose.

Scott Walker (C):

Meh. Take him or leave him. I think many of us would appreciate him, and he is a step above plenty of candidates from yonder years, but he’s in over his head at this point. He’s a victim of sensory overload. He’s like a chocolate chip cookie on a table of premium desserts; when sitting on a platter next to dry muffins, Scotty is incredibly exciting… but when sitting next to cake, brownies, or premium pies, he just doesn’t outshine their appeal. He definitely could, but I find myself staring at him with my head tipped to the side like I do at an empty wall, “What will make this work, what does it need?” Before the debate I saw his great demise on the horizon; however, I believe Walker purchased himself a bit of time. That said, I believe it will be money wasted, because I’m predicting the great Scott Walker exit before the third fundraising quarter ends on December 31st.

Chris Christie(C):

Chris Christie is similar to John Stewart for me, I hate him and love him at the same time. I would never vote for him, but his presence doesn’t annoy me as much as others. He’s funny and good with one-liners, and he was very smart to involve the crowd on Wednesday night. That said, he won’t win. He’ll trudge on for a while, and he’ll make a lot of really great points, but in the end, he’s vying for the votes other candidates have in the bag. His strong points are genuinely held by most everyone else on the stage, and he really has no unique qualities that make him a viable long term investment.

Carly Fiorina (A+):

Girl brought game on Wednesday. She owned the stage. She’s a strong candidate, and I have a feeling she’ll be around for quite a while. More than anything, she’s perfect for a VP nod. She’s strong, she’s blunt, and she’s articulate. She’s strategic, and she combines policy with personal narrative. She’s not a politician, and unlike Donald Trump, she knows the issues rather well. I see her as a great asset to the Republican party, not only because she is a clear voice of reason, but because she could annihilate any argument Hillary would throw her way. I see her being here to the end, and I see other top tier candidates treating her with dignity and respect because they most likely see her as VP material. If you’re wondering what her appeal is, watch the mashup below. Like her or not, let’s admit a good candidate when we see one. Don’t like her, I recommend getting over it, because she’s not going anywhere.


Jeb Bush (B):

Don’t be angry guys, but Jeb did alright yesterday. He hit Trump with a few brutal punches, he defended his brother and his wife, and all in all, his outing was much stronger than I expected. I don’t want to see another Bush in the race, but when I remove his last name and look at the entire picture, he wasn’t bad last night. People say, “he’s awkward,” but the facts are, those arguments are as weak as picking on a lisp, tone of voice, or hand gestures. He did well, and he’s not going anywhere. He has shown himself to be a solid investment for donors.

Marco Rubio (A+):

Yes, Marco is my candidate, and I’m not shy about saying so. However, I merely echo the sentiments of a vast number of pundits, bloggers, and various conservative personalities when I say that he was in the winner column right next to Carly. Carly gives a solid punch, but Marco is substance in its purist form. Marco is a Lego candidate; he’s dependable, he’s consistent, and if you try to step on him he inflicts a blow that will take your breath away without stooping to theatrics. He did not stumble – he doesn’t stumble, for that matter – and he outlined solid strategies; more so than anyone else. If you determine that foreign policy is of high importance when choosing a candidate, you cannot overlook Marco Rubio and still be taken seriously. In addition, I spend a lot of time on politics and blogging, trolling Twitter for opinions. I’ve found that the vast majority of people I know in the “new media” support Marco Rubio, or at least lean in that direction. Rubio has staying power because investors know that the “new media” Andrew Breitbart created has even more pull than the high end – well known – journalists. A candidate backed by the majority of dedicated conservative “grassroots” writers – those much greater than I – has more staying power than Ann Coulter’s flavor of the week. When the celebrities exit the race, and 2016 rolls around, the game is in the hands of the new media, and Marco Rubio is doing quite well in their eyes.

And that’s just a sampling. Whether all of these wise men will fully support Rubio in 2016 is yet to be determined, but the general consensus is that Rubio ranks in the top three for the vast number of solid conservative names, as he should. The idea that he’ll faze out is unfounded, and quite honestly, a mere illusion thought up by those who just really, really like to cling to their favorite sputtering candidate like a baby blanket, hoping they won’t make the exit they’re surely headed towards.

Donald Trump (Crazy stalker you have escorted off school property):

Donald is running on angry fumes, but to think they’ll get him to 2016 is like me thinking that I can get from Florida to Washington on one tank of gas. Eventually his campaign is going to die on the side of the road – most likely in Georgia – surrounded by zombies with no Daryl to the rescue. His base may not shrink, but it also won’t grow, and as other candidates fizzle out his numbers will become less appealing. Hopefully the damage done in the Republican party by his bloviated rantings doesn’t linger into the general, but since it more than likely will, we have an even better reason to pick a candidate who can overcome them.

If you’d like a few highlights of Donald completely bombing it, here you go:

– Though they’re normal, his low blow remarks were on full display. After saying that Rand Paul shouldn’t be on the stage, a cheap shot at the very beginning of the debate, he also said that he’d have a lot of “subject matter” if he wanted to go after Rand Paul’s looks.

– He played the “rich people should pay more taxes” card, straight out of the progressive handbook like Obama was feeding him talking points.

– His business record was attacked, and he couldn’t defend himself in the slightest. The truth is that Donald ran on Daddy’s money, has had multiple bankruptcies on Casinos (which is, well, crazy), and plenty of his deals have been incredibly poor.

– He once again flopped on foreign policy and eluded to the idea that he’d learn it before getting to the White House. Meanwhile, Rubio and Carly gave eloquent and detailed answers. Can you honestly look to the Middle East, see the horror, and then turn around and vote for a man who doesn’t even sound like he could find Iraq on a map?

Speaking of his confusion between “Kurds” and “Quds”: “Hugh was giving me name after name—Arab name, Arab name, Arab—and there are few people anywhere, ANYWHERE, that would have known those names. I think he was reading them off a sheet.”

Crazy, one of those “few people” who know those names (Rubio) happens to be standing mere feet from the Lord of Darkness himself.

Those are just a few of the bullet points I had to pick from.

Now, if you read this until the end, THANK YOU! I’m known for long posts, but this may have taken the cake, so I appreciate you sticking around. I’m not a professional, and this isn’t what I do for a living, this is just my opinion on how I see the election moving. You never know exactly what will happen, but if Carson, Walker, or Cruz are on the general ticket, I’ll be eating my words. And if Trump is on the general ticket I’ll be writing in “Sweet Meteor of Death.”

Ronald Reagan: The Establishment RINO — September 2, 2015

Ronald Reagan: The Establishment RINO

What exactly does “Establishment GOP” even mean these days? I’ve pondered this question over and over, with little answer. From what I can gather, any conservative politician who identifies as a Republican is now a member of the “Establishment GOP,” with the exception of those running who lack any political record. Lack of experience now disqualifies you from being a member of this evil, maniacal cult of “Republican establishment hacks!” But wait, there’s more! You also must be rich enough to fund your own campaign, otherwise you are surely – without doubt – a filthy, soul sucking, America hating RINO.

As I write this, I’ve flipped over to Twitter to do a simple search.


These are the first 4 results:

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I Support Marco Rubio Because, Not in Spite, of His Immigration Stance — August 26, 2015

I Support Marco Rubio Because, Not in Spite, of His Immigration Stance


So, I’ve been rough on Donald Trump lately, and while I don’t regret my views, it’s time for a positive post. However, it is on immigration, so in the process of explaining the issues or giving comparisons, there might be some negativity directed at Trump. Just know, that as of right now – three sentences in – my plan is to keep my dislike of Trump as in control as possible.

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Trumpoholics Follow-up & A Conservative Case Against Ending Birthright Citizenship — August 20, 2015

Trumpoholics Follow-up & A Conservative Case Against Ending Birthright Citizenship


Firstly, I’ll address my last post, and the negative criticism I received. I wrote a post a couple weeks ago that may have hinted at the idea that Donald Trump followers need a 12 step program; you can read the post here. Okay, it didn’t hint, it pretty much just said it. I was called various names, many of them rather creative. “Mattress backed intern for the GOP” and “little GOP girl” are my personal favorites; I’ve yet to receive a logical rebuttal. Isn’t it odd that someone who advocates for less government is suddenly the establishment faction of the GOP? Almost as odd as those who say they want less government currently supporting a candidate with an immigration plan that would require a major increase in government? Yes. Yes it is. Odd. Or ridiculous, foolishness, etc…. That said, I honestly wrote the Trumpoholics post because I saw a void, I had a deep yearning to help the people. My heart was in the right place, because I hurt for those being deceived by Trump’s magnetic and awe inspiring verbiage.

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Is Trumpoholics Anonymous Right For You? — August 7, 2015

Is Trumpoholics Anonymous Right For You?

Do you have a Trumpoholic family member? Is a loved one suffering from frequent and joyful outbursts during Donald Trump ramblings? Or maybe you have an overwhelming feeling of hope when you hear the babbling toupee behind a podium say a few key words, and you just can’t shake the feeling that maybe he’s right. We want you to know you’re not alone, recovery programs are available. Trumpoholics Anonymous is completely confidential, no one needs to know you went through a bout of Trump love, we’re here to guide you or your loved on a path to recovery, not ruin your reputation and stain your ability to ever be taken seriously again.

First, let’s go over the symptoms of a Trumpoholic:

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Feminism: We’re Taking It Back — August 3, 2015

Feminism: We’re Taking It Back

When people hear the word “Feminist” it is often accompanied by horrific visions of the Vagina Monologues, tampon earrings, pink shoes on Texas politicians, women claiming they’ve been victimized by catcalls, armpit hair, and Hollywood starlets grumbling about a fictitious wage gap as they preach from their ivory towers, built upon the foundations of designer handbags, personal chefs, grass smoothies, and yoga instructors. As a result, conservative women have run from “Feminism” in anger, wanting to be disassociated from the women who fling their topless bodies across the stairs of government buildings, from the women who fight for abortion rights by hurling urine at the opposition, or from the woman who threw a tantrum because they denied the artistic cookies adorned with a variation of different frosting vaginas she tried to send with her child to school. I can’t blame them, I don’t want to be associated with these women either.

The problem: Democrats win elections by waving the Feminist flag.

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Donald Trump: The Magic 8 Ball — July 27, 2015

Donald Trump: The Magic 8 Ball

“He’s loud, he’s proud, and he creates jobs!” The man, the myth, the reason why I might start drinking.

As I think back to the 2008 election, one moment in particular stands out; the moment in which I felt the most heartbroken and disappointed in the direction our country was heading. Before the results were ever tallied I listened to the exit poll interviews, and I remember hearing the crowds chant over the charismatic nature of the Democrat candidate, Barack Obama. I heard nary a word on what he planned to do to our country; the bowl of blithering nonsense before me was just a culmination of free phones, free contraceptives, charisma, and the color of his skin. I remember thinking, “This man is going to win, and no one knows what he stands for, they just know that he’s a celebrity and the right color. At least I know that I’m on the right side of history, the side that cares enough about issues to truly study our candidates.”

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Sold Out To Fear — July 13, 2015

Sold Out To Fear

What happens when a society chooses to force a narrative upon its youngest members? Parents must choose to either reject the importance of their beliefs, or remove their child from yet another piece of social involvement. Earlier this evening, The Boy Scouts of America unanimously voted to lift their ban on homosexual leaders. This resolution permits individual charters to choose leaders without regard to sexual orientation.

The Boy Scouts of America, a long held Christian organization, is facing backlash from parents who are facing quite a choice. I didn’t have the words, but I know of someone who did. With their permission, I’ve added their open letter to The Boy Scouts of America to this blog, and I hope that those on both sides of the debate can read it with an open mind.

“To whom,

I decided, when I found out that PP took a huge chunk of money from the Girl Scouts, that I could not contribute to any effort that promoted the ending of innocent life in the name of another’s ‘rights’. Since my girls would be required to participate in these ‘fund raisers,’ I would not be sending them to join this ambiguously harmless organization. That is not to detract from the hard work and good intentions of my friends who are leaders. It’s just something I can’t add to.

And so…

It is with a heavy heart that we regretfully inform you that our sons will no longer be members of The Boy Scouts of America. And, yes, this decision is based solely on your decision to alter your position on the admission of Gays and/or Lesbians as leaders in the organization.

I cannot help if I am misunderstood in this action. My intentions are not motivated by homophobia, bigotry, bias, or fear. They are based only on my ideals of what a leader should look like from an integrity and ostensibly Christian organization point of view.

It has oft been suggested, yea verily, spitted out vitriolically, that a position in opposition of homosexuality is nothing more than homophobia. Most also suggest that we Christians are hopelessly hypocritical in that our numbers engage in adultery, fornication, porn addiction, theft, crime, and any such other malfeasance, and that we don’t have such a drastic and outspoken view on those things. If, they contend, homosexuality is wrong then we must give an equal voice to these other ‘sins’ or else admit we are hypocrites and secede the argument. On a base level, if this were true, if I mentioned my disgust at gossip but never mentioned my disgust at pride, well then I’m a hypocrite and must shut up. Also, all of these sins among others are rebuked on a weekly basis, sermon by sermon. There really is no hypocrisy. But on a deeper level, whatever ‘war’ is being waged against my beliefs – a war that I approach only with a pen, a phone, a vote, and prayer (saving the best for last), that is the issue that must be addressed the loudest. Had social media been around in the seventies, you can bet that they would have been lit up with pro life rants, and anti no fault divorce rants, anti porn rants… All issues that were bigger then than they are now because now they are seen as normal and acceptable. All the more reason, in the eyes of the Christian, to ‘act’ while there’s still time to.

We ‘hypocrites’ hold the same standards for adulterers, thieves, divorcees, porn addicts, drug addicts, etc., as we do for homosexuals. We see it as a sin. We would not want anyone practicing homosexuality, practicing adultery, promoting abortion, advocating pedophilia, demonstrating undo pride, preaching another gospel – Not relegating equality of gravity or comparing homosexuality to anything else other than sin – teaching in Sunday school or holding a position of authority in the church. It’s not personal. It’s procedural and, yes, it’s discriminatory in that we believe God has layed out clear instruction for such things. So we reject these things because they are harmful things,not because people do the things. We don’t fear homosexuality any more than we fear porn or pride or lying or cheating. We just believe that people who practice such things openly and, not only shamelessly but proudly, cannot be in a position of leadership in what was until recently ostensibly a Christian organization. Against homosexual attendees, friends, coworkers, patrons, there is no such indictment – excepting we are asked to celebrate something we think is wrong. The hypocrisy is in that some for such things judge my Christian standards by using absolute objective morality principles. Ironically, the Christian approach.

There’s this word ‘ostensibly’ again… Ostensibly, this decision was made to better meet the needs of local families. These are our needs. I’m not afraid my child will be molested or indoctrinated – I wouldn’t send them with someone I don’t trust anyway – I have two homosexual friends I trust implicitly. If they were scout leaders my position would not change. And because my friends know me, they would understand.

I live in a very small community and I know all of the leaders, all of the up and coming families… None of them are homosexual. If that changes, I regard them well, as I should. I have no paranoid false expectation of some kind of hostile takeover. The men and woman who put in their time here work hard, have integrity, take due pride in their work, and I will respect their decisions in all of this as well. They will be true to what that believe. I wish them not only no harm but I wish them well.

I’m chartered for next year. I will not be asking for a refund.

I will miss it, for what it’s worth. And I will mark this day as the day that one of the last – and probably the best known – private bastions of safety and keepers of Christian integrity, sold out to fear.”

Dear Ariana Grande — July 9, 2015

Dear Ariana Grande

Dear Ariana Grande,

First off, congratulations on your new relationship. I didn’t even know that you were in a relationship until yesterday, nor did I care. Alas, my days of ignoring the lives of former Disney and Nickelodeon stars were over as of Wednesday morning when suddenly my timeline was filled with articles that begged to be read.

“Ariana Grande licks donut and says she hates America!”

“Ariana Grande and her new man lick donuts and hate America!”

“Ariana Grande hates Americans and licks donuts that aren’t hers!”

Who could resist such click bait?

My first reaction was one of shock and awe, for I’ve never licked a pastry and felt anything but love for my country. I didn’t even know it was possible to lick a donut and not have “God Bless America” gently humming in both my Parietal and Temporal lobes, pure joy bouncing from wall to wall in my patriotic pastry loving gray matter. Add coffee to the mix and, well, Ariana, I’m a freaking ball of whimsical merriment.

When I found out that you hated America (by your own admission), I can’t say I was surprised. This is a common theme among elitist celebrities, thankfully not all. I fully expect them to sit in their ivory towers and mock the little people with sheer distain for the very country and citizens who poured the concrete, built the walls, and pay for the personal chefs who support the delicate palates that have been born of their lavish lifestyles. You know, the celebrity obsessed populous who provide you with the funds to purchase the 1800 count Egyptian cotton sheets you sleep under while wearing pajamas that probably cost as much as my monthly rent. This doesn’t make me angry, for I’m not one to begrudge others for their successes in life. However, when you descend from your throne and enter our bakeries, casually violate our donuts, and carelessly offend those who have put you on your pedestal, it makes me a little perturbed. Not everyone relishes in the thought of eating a donut that contains your saliva, Ariana.

After the debacle began I was forced to go back and look at some of your Twitter history, as well as read your wildly comical apology. I’m not going to lie, I didn’t dig that hard. I was only able to find a few of your tweets that I could interpret; I quickly discovered that you’re not a fan of words. Forgive me, but I’m not fluent in Emoji. Your life truly is a rainbow of cartoon animal heads and, label me illiterate, but emojis aren’t my first, second, third, nor fourth language. Someday in the future when our great grandchildren look back at our form of visual communication, let’s call it “millennial cave art,” they’ll say about me, “This particularly unimportant woman refused to evolve and continued to speak Pig Latin when she felt inclined.” Do you know what they won’t say, Ariana? They won’t say that I randomly licked pastries that weren’t mine.

I digress.

I also found plenty of Barack Obama retweets, some love for Hillary Clinton, and a LOT about equal rights. This is where I became confused. I started ferociously scavenging through your Twitter history to find all of your tweets concerning ISIS. Okay, I didn’t go that far. I knew that if I continued digging at most I’d probably find a lone “#BringBackOurGirls” tweet between some suns, moons, mice, tea cups, hearts, and monkey emojis; along with a vast number of almost – but not quite there – words. I’m guessing that ISIS, Boko Haram, etc. have not been mentioned in your Tweets since there isn’t an emoji of a homosexual being thrown off a building…yet.

You see, I was confused because Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton fan girl tweets are fairly antithetical to equal rights and the freedom to be you, the real you, the you that loves rainbows and hates donuts and America. Because here’s the deal, Ariana, Obama and Clinton have both said one thing and have done the opposite. While you tweet about equal rights, homosexuals are being thrown off buildings in the Middle East. While you flaunt your scantily clad body, women in the Middle East are being forced into burqas and brutality. Women are raped repeatedly before their captors have breakfast, women who dream of freedom day and night after being mutilated, women who dream of a place like America. A place where we have the time to worry about childhood obesity. Women who have begged for help only to have our cowardly President send his wife and daughters on luxurious vacations while he ignores the cries for mercy from the innocent. American citizens have been beheaded with little response from the President of The United States, let that soak in. Better yet, Hillary Clinton has received funds from governments that condone such atrocities, governments that support the death penalty for homosexuals. I don’t know about you, Ariana, but her rainbow AVI and newly found support of the LGBT plight fails to impress when compared to her financial gain from countries that believe gay men should be slaughtered for their sins against Allah.

I don’t listen to your music, Ariana. However, I did some research and found these beautiful lyrics:

“When I get you moaning you know it’s real

Can you feel the pressure between your hips?

I’ll make it feel like the first time”


“Cause if you want to keep me, you gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta got to love me harder
And if you really need me, you gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta got to love me harder
Love me, love me, love me
Harder, harder, harder”

I get it, sex sells. However, you should probably reevaluate your hatred towards America since this is the country where that mediocre drivel you bring to the table – while performing in clothes designed to portray you as an object – has made you such a success. You know, as opposed to Saudi Arabia, one of Hillary’s many questionable donors. A place where women can’t vote, drive cars, sit close to men, wear make-up, swim, and Allah forbid they buy a Barbie or go without a head covering. 99% of what you do would be considered a crime in Saudi Arabia, Ariana, but Hillary doesn’t mind spending their money on drudging up support from uninformed masses who blare your cheap repetitive tunes on the way to the mall to take advantage of the blessings the vast majority in this world are denied, the blessings that brave men and women have died to protect. You walked into that donut shop and spilled your vitriol under the protection of the First Amendment rights that were paid for in blood.

I know what you’re thinking, Ariana. In your heartfelt apology you cleared all this up, you said you were extremely EXTREMELY proud to be an American. You said that your “private moment” with your friends was taken out of context. I don’t know how saying you hate America and Americans can be taken out of context, but we’ll go ahead and run with such obnoxious gibberish. You not only said it was taken out of context, you went on to say that you said those things, and licked an innocent donut, because you are an advocate for healthy eating. You licked a donut because you want children to be educated on the dangers of overeating. Your entire apology is an insult to the intelligence of everyone in this country, including those who need a reminder not to stick objects in light sockets. If someone was in the Walmart meat department randomly licking steaks because they want to end heart disease, we’d send them to a mental facility.

But not you, Ariana, not you.

I know you’ll never read this letter, and that’s alright. I also know that your popularity will not dive after you behaved like an insufferable dolt, and that’s unfortunate. It’s unfortunate because your popularity has put you on a pedestal, your popularity has made you someone that little girls look up to, and the fact that someone can sing “gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta got to love me harder. Love me, love me, love me, Harder, harder, harder” and simultaneously be an assumed legitimate voice of reason goes well beyond my logic. Congratulations, Ariana, you just treated this entire country like a bunch of morons, and if you release an album tomorrow they’d prove you right by making it platinum.

– MB



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